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Erin

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05/02/07 @ 12:45pm

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Soo today is the third day in a row that i've done literally absolutely nothing other than sit on my ass, watch tv and binge and purge... I've definitely gained AT LEAST 5lbs. I feel like killing myself. I'm in such a hazy, weird, sleepy state. I need  to go get high or something.. its been toooo long hahaha. not that thats going to make me want to do anything but eat more, but still.. maybe it will knock some sense into me or put something into perspective.. thats pretty fucked up. I need help.
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04/25/07 @ 2:20pm

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so ok.. im in the exact same place i was an entire year ago! just with a different bf and a lot sicker.
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04/25/07 @ 2:10pm

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Its summer soon... the weather is beautiful and here i am, yet again, comming up on the third year of my life, spending my entire days bingeing. Its very surreal to be this seriously bulimic. It has completely taken over my life and its so hard to sit down and actually try to accept that. Im not graduating with my friends this year because I had to spend 3 months in the hospital, and im still not even better. My life is passing me by and im just floating through it, not giving a shit. I have fucked things up so bad its unbelievable but i dont even really care because i keep myself completely numb from everything by continuing to binge and purge constantly. I dont even notice that im killing myself and taking away my future. Its so fucked up. Its a sad, sad life and instead of crying and getting upset because of how tragic it is for someone with as much potential as I have to just throw it all away, I get high, get drunk and forget all of my problems because that is soo much easier. And I keep doing it, I dont stop, Ive given up. 3 fucking years, how the fuck am i going to change this? Ive lost everything.
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06/14/06 @ 10:49pm

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06/12/06 @ 7:33pm

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Yesterday was a really bad day. I'm over it. Today is new, better and I'm going to work on restricting, working out and ending the binge/ pruge cyle.
I just finished a bio exam. I had an apple and I'm about to go shower & go over to the boy's. Then we're going to go work out together. I'm still a bit stressed. I just have to stop thinking so much about everything and relaxing a bit more. It's ALL good. =)
Love you guys ♥
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06/11/06 @ 8:19pm

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Prom is ONE week away. I am in such a rut. I've been binge/ purging every morning at breakfast and then going to the gym and burning around 750 calories (not enough to make up for most of my binges.) And then i do the same thing the next day. And prom is one fucking week away. So far this morning I've eaten 2 granola bars, a rice crispie square, a life style dinner, an apple and a bole of fruit loops. I've purged once and I'm about to again, and then I'm off to the gym. I am such a bulimic. I hate my fat, enormous disgusting self and I want to die. However, the according to the scale I've lost 4 lbs? I don't really care. I'm way too huge.
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06/05/06 @ 11:09pm

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I cannot belive myself. I can't escape it. I was doing so well, my boyfriend was so proud and happy, I was too. Todays wasn't even going wrong. It was going fine, aside from me looking like an elephant in a picture from a night I thought I might be finally losing weight. I just need some motivation and I have none. I just binged. I binged bigger than I have in a while. I can't get enough, no matter how much my stomach hurts from stretching, I just couldn't get enough. I binged, I purged, I binged, I'm about to purge again, and then I'll probably binge again. I'm 5'3 and 120 lbs. 120 lbs. A year ago I was like 96. In october I was like 110. That's fucking discusting. I'm fucking, fucking, fucking sick. Prom is comming. So much for trying to do this the healthy way, I'm starving. I'm starving until prom. Fuck my body, I don't even care. I'm starving until June 19th. Anyone with me? My boyfriends too hot to have to bring a beluga to prom. And the girls that like him are too much thinner than me.  I'm going to go fucking barf now.

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06/05/06 @ 8:46pm

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FUCCCKKK. Kill me. I just ate  sooo much, 2 pieces of chicken, a huge mass of salad, 2 things of crystal light and a medium french vanilla from Tim Hortons. Ugh and a slice of apple with a shit load of peanut butter! I just want to binge/ purge. I want to cry. UGGHH. I'm going to go purge the soon my mother leaves. I'll try not to fucking binge, just purge, I'm a fucking whale!!!! I just got these pictures back from a party I was at and I look HUGE in them, next to my chubby friends. I want to die. I'm so fat, I don't even realize how fat I've gotten. Shoot me. 

The sad part is, I've gone 3 days. I was so proud of myself & my boyfriend was so proud of me. The first 3 days in like 6 months. Now I've got to ruin everything AGAIN.
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05/31/06 @ 6:35am

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The email I sent to my boyfriend.




God, I love you. Right now I'm looking at old pictures of me and you from when we were first together. And I'm like god, what happened? Why couldn't we work out? What's wrong with us that we couldn't make it work?

It's like we both know it's comming to an end but we're trying to hold on by our fingernails and wait for something to come and change and bring us back to when we were happy which was like months and months ago. I can't handle it. If I had known it was going to be this hard to let you go I don't know if I would have gotten into this in the first place. I never imagined a pain like what I'm feeling right now and what I feel everytime I think it's ending beetween us. I can't stand it. I love you so much and I want to think that we're meant to be and someday I'm going to marry the first guy I feel in love with in highschool. I don't want to break up with you because I can't picture myself ever, ever getting over you and moving on and being ok again. I can't stand to say goodbye. Like, I don't know what to do, Andrew. I know it's best for you if we're not together, and maybe it's best for me too. Maybe it would be easier for me to get better if I did it without you, by myself, but I can't. I can't say goodbye. It's the right thing to do, I think we both know it is but I can't. Like, I fucking hate that song by James Blunt. I'm listening to it right now and I can't even breathe. He wrote it for us, like it's beyond perfect for me and you. (Please, don't listen to it.) But I don't want this to end. I love you. I'm not ready yet. I'm not strong enough to let you go right now.

The reason I wanted to break up with you when I was drunk was because it's easier for me like that. I wouldn't have had to feel everything. It wasn't the 'real' me saying that I think it should
happen. I still want to be your baby.

I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry for wrecking this. I'm so, so sorry and I'm so, so mad at myself. I hate myself so much because I ruined everything. I love you so much.

I have nothing left to say. We've done this so many times. We've waited for something to change and it hasn't. That's my fault. My relationship with you can't change until I change. I can't promise you that's going to be soon and I don't expect you to wait and see. That would be unrealistic, I can't ask that of you. I love you. And I'm going to try. I don't know what's happening. I wish you knew that we were going to make it through this but you're human and you have the same doubts as I do. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, Andrew. I know that me getting better would or will be the change we've been waiting for. I guess we'll see. I love you. I always will. I want to try and make this work. We've been though too much to just let it all go now. That's how I feel anyway. But I 100% understand if you don't. 



I'm a HARDCORE bulimic. Its beyond hell for everyone around me who loves me. It's ruining my life and killing me. I'm going to therapy and I need to get better. My boyfriend is moving away. I don't want to break up. That's where we're going. My heart will stop if we break up. I'll suffocate. That sounds seriously idiotic but I will.

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05/30/06 @ 6:36am

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I wish that I could love my body. Even though I'm fat as hell. I wish that I could stop compairing myself to everyother woman, girl, person I see. It's beyond annoying. What is wrong with me. How did I get myself into this. It seems like the only thing that cheers me up is listening to everyone else on this complain about how much they hate their bodies too, so that I don't feel alone. Ugh, thiss fucking sucks. I CANT WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO BE FINISHEDDDD.

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05/28/06 @ 5:43am

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05/22/06 @ 12:20am

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I started therapy. It's beyond awkward when My psychologist wants to speak with both my mom and I at once. I want nothing to do with her. I love her but I don't feel comfortable having her involved with my therapy. He also wants me to bring my boyfriend & other people who I'm close with in to be educated on bulimia and why it is that I act the way I do sometimes. He wants to come and I think he should but it makes me nervous. I still can't eat without binging. I'm not eating as much lately so I won't binge. I'm still so fat and prom is in less than a month. Very depressing.
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05/18/06 @ 6:42am

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Oh my god, marissa's dead. I thought Mischa Barton would leave the show.
I start therapy/counselling, I'm not really sure Saturday. Im excited. I want to get better.
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05/17/06 @ 2:07am

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Total lean weight loss system - 70 bucks at GNC. Bahh, it better work. God, make me skinny by prom. Can't wait for summertime, like 15 days left of school. Woot!
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04/24/06 @ 6:31am

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Alright, just purged. Not enough, I still feel like Shit. Not eaating tommorow. I'm not binging anymore. I'm sick of this. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
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04/24/06 @ 4:34am

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I'm so fat. I'm back to how I've always fucking been. I don't know what's wrong with me but I seriously have so many fucking problems!!! I cant eat like a normal human being! I binge and binge and want more food and it never ends!!! I don't even hang out with my boyfriend b/c I feel too fat. I'm missing out on so much because I'm a fat lazy sick person and I've never been so fucking pissed off at myself before in my entire life. I HAVE NO CONTROL!!! I don't know what to do. I just want to be trapped in my room, alone with no pictures of models staring at me, no mirrors showing me how huge i've made myself and no food to tempt me. I just want to lay in my bed until I'm 80 lbs. I don't know what to do. I'm at such a fucking low. I want to throw up until there isnt anything left and I am empty and comfortable. Ugh, what a waste.
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04/22/06 @ 8:35am

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I kind of binged on breakfast but I ate nothing for the rest of the day plus I worked out a lot. I have got to stop doing that. I dont know what wrong with me. I just adore food and I can't help it. I lost 3lbs from fasting and Its been kept off so far. I need to lose 10 by June 15th. Any suggestions?
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04/19/06 @ 3:18am

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I ate a lot today .. about 1200 calories, but I'm so motivated. I'm going on a 2 day fast with that celebrity juice diet (a little embarrassing), and since i'm afraid ill gain it all back I'm going to keep on fasting and restricting for as long as it feels right. I need a jump start and hopefully this will be a perfect way for me to do it. Hopefully I'll see results and get motivated. I weigh 121, which is disgusting for my 5 foot 3 frame and i seriously need some help. My goal is to eventually be under 100 - 105. We'll see what happens.
A plan on achieving this by:
Working out 5-6 times a week
Only eating between 0-1200 calories a day, fluctuating how many cals I eat daily.
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04/17/06 @ 1:55am

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[ mood | optimistic ]

I'm on my way to the gym. I'm so out of my cycle its ridiculous. I'm used to going at least 5 times a day, now i haven't gone in like 4 days! That's the longest I've gone since November. I'm fatter than I've ever been before in my entire life and that's the most depressing thing I've ever had to say. I'm just so far out of my routine that its going to be hard to get back in. I'm buying some supplements or dieting pills this weekend so that should put my body back where it belongs, in the one hundred and teens. I like myself when I'm like 112, 110, but I want to be like 105. Maybe Ill get to be in the 90s and prove to everyone how much this means to me. But lets be realistic, first things first, I need to at least get down to 120! I've never had to say that before... I don't even know how much I weigh now and honestly I don't want to. I really, really don't. Anyways, let me know if you know of any good dieting pills or anything! See yaa =)

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04/15/06 @ 10:37pm

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So okay.. I had some chocolate, some special K, and a grapefruit.. (so much for restricitng). And later I'm eating easter diner with my family & my boyfriend. Thankfully i hate eating around him so that should lower my cal intake! No gravy! Ugh, I'm such a fat pig. I'm on my second cup of green tea. Tomorrow I'll eat like nothing.. keep it under 700 and burn 400-500 working out. All my love & wish me luck, E xx
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