The email I sent to my boyfriend.
God, I love you. Right now I'm looking at old pictures of me and you from when we were first together. And I'm like god, what happened? Why couldn't we work out? What's wrong with us that we couldn't make it work?
It's like we both know it's comming to an end but we're trying to hold on by our fingernails and wait for something to come and change and bring us back to when we were happy which was like months and months ago. I can't handle it. If I had known it was going to be this hard to let you go I don't know if I would have gotten into this in the first place. I never imagined a pain like what I'm feeling right now and what I feel everytime I think it's ending beetween us. I can't stand it. I love you so much and I want to think that we're meant to be and someday I'm going to marry the first guy I feel in love with in highschool. I don't want to break up with you because I can't picture myself ever, ever getting over you and moving on and being ok again. I can't stand to say goodbye. Like, I don't know what to do, Andrew. I know it's best for you if we're not together, and maybe it's best for me too. Maybe it would be easier for me to get better if I did it without you, by myself, but I can't. I can't say goodbye. It's the right thing to do, I think we both know it is but I can't. Like, I fucking hate that song by James Blunt. I'm listening to it right now and I can't even breathe. He wrote it for us, like it's beyond perfect for me and you. (Please, don't listen to it.) But I don't want this to end. I love you. I'm not ready yet. I'm not strong enough to let you go right now.
The reason I wanted to break up with you when I was drunk was because it's easier for me like that. I wouldn't have had to feel everything. It wasn't the 'real' me saying that I think it should
happen. I still want to be your baby.
I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry for wrecking this. I'm so, so sorry and I'm so, so mad at myself. I hate myself so much because I ruined everything. I love you so much.
I have nothing left to say. We've done this so many times. We've waited for something to change and it hasn't. That's my fault. My relationship with you can't change until I change. I can't promise you that's going to be soon and I don't expect you to wait and see. That would be unrealistic, I can't ask that of you. I love you. And I'm going to try. I don't know what's happening. I wish you knew that we were going to make it through this but you're human and you have the same doubts as I do. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, Andrew. I know that me getting better would or will be the change we've been waiting for. I guess we'll see. I love you. I always will. I want to try and make this work. We've been though too much to just let it all go now. That's how I feel anyway. But I 100% understand if you don't.
I'm a HARDCORE bulimic. Its beyond hell for everyone around me who loves me. It's ruining my life and killing me. I'm going to therapy and I need to get better. My boyfriend is moving away. I don't want to break up. That's where we're going. My heart will stop if we break up. I'll suffocate. That sounds seriously idiotic but I will.